I haven’t posted or replied to much email or taken calls for a week or so. The cold snap has given me an excuse to become even more introverted. Without the forced daily commute and interaction – however unpleasant – with co-workers I am slowly getting smaller and leaving a less obvious footprint. Being part of the non-economy, not even a registered unemployment statistic.
I do want to go out, I do. But, it seems so much effort and costs money and time. Better to stay in and put up less of a face to be swatted back down. I know I am not depressed – I have had depression before – I just feel like I’m stuck in treacle. I also know the schedule for daytime Sky One and Sky Two backwards (7 hours of Buffy daily if you catch the channels right) which is worrying.
No money means no new things, no new things means not being able to go out to swanky places with friends. What would I wear? How would I pay for drinks? Difficult.
Last Saturday I did go out and see a group of dolly friends for a few hours. It was really nice as I didn’t have to worry to much about what to wear; I was actually more worried about my dolls wearing the same clothes they have for two months. A few people did give me cause to twinge as they seemed so happy, so chic-ly thrift/craft/small unknown label dressed. Hmmm jeans and a cover all sweater for me again.
Saturday night I couldn’t face. My dearest friends. Kate and Linda and Carla and Owe and everyone. I admit I was tired but the thought of not being dressed up and gay and merry and looking nice made me want to return home and that’s what I did. Silly I know. It’s so easy just to retreat. So easy just to pick and choose what to read, what to reply to, what to take part in, where to be visible. To be half there.
Yesterday out of nowhere came the inspiration I have been seeking to start my portfolio/photography sale website makeover. If I want to support myself selling my work I’ve got to have a killer site. I need this to work – being an unemployed want to be librarian isn’t. Looking at my site for eight weeks has brought about very little. Today I feel like going out in the bitter sun and buying some materials. I feel like drawing again for the first time in two years. But first to wash my straggly hair.
Then I can take on the world.
March 2nd, 2006 at 10:18 am
Good luck petal, you’ll get there.
Wash all those negative feelings out of your hair, take a deep breath and take on the world!
x
March 2nd, 2006 at 10:20 am
Take that inspiration and run with it. You’ll feel much better for it, I’m sure.
(Bloglines doesn’t seem to be picking up your new posts btw. Odd.)
March 2nd, 2006 at 10:21 am
*hugs* I know this one well.
March 2nd, 2006 at 10:22 am
Snags, it gets there in the end, but it only updates once an hour.
March 2nd, 2006 at 10:35 am
Hey you – I don’t have any new going out clothes either! I’ll be digging around at the bottom of the wardrobe or mending/altering something. And as for affording drinks, do what I do: drink slowly, alternate with tap water and so on. Sounds to me like you’re pissed off with being skint, but do try to come out anyway on the cheap, it’ll cheer you up no end. After you’ve washed your hair, paint your toenails red and slap on some lippy. And email me. Cheaps x
March 2nd, 2006 at 10:43 am
How horrid to feel so bad Bobblini -but jeans, black trousers and clever sweaters never, ever go out of fashion – thank goodness. And you have lots of smart shoes too – as well as lots of smart talent.
March 2nd, 2006 at 11:11 am
You always look gorgeous and we missed you on Saturday.
But…there are exciting things to look forward to and we must must must sort out our evening with Sawyer’s trousers! xx
March 2nd, 2006 at 11:57 am
Raaar. Perhaps I could wangle some advance copies of Lost if I bribed the right person. Got episodes 1-8 of series 2 if you fancy…
March 2nd, 2006 at 1:58 pm
Thanks peeps, I just needed to say it. I feel better now.
I went out and several things cheered me up and simultaneously made me irritated at having no money to spend, but on balance a good trip outside the house.
Kate/Karla I have emailed you about Sawyers Trousers.
March 3rd, 2006 at 4:48 am
Being out of work means losing momentum. You haven’t slipped beyond hope yet, though – you’re not yet enjoying the slow pace and the solitude, or at least, not enough. Good luck with the site.
March 4th, 2006 at 8:48 pm
Your my favourite photographer, Ms Bobble, and I’ve every confidence you can sell lots of it.
Hope you’re feeling sunnier going into this week.
xx
March 6th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
Just seen this – sorry … As you know, I didn’t make it to the Castle either – nor did Cheaps … gah.
I blame the weather for the low moods we all seem to be getting more often than we usually do.
Anyway, we have a girly bar to look forward to – rah!
March 6th, 2006 at 2:39 pm
Oh – and as for clothes – tcha – with all those lovely things you own from my favourite New York shop? You can outdress me without even thinking about it ….
March 6th, 2006 at 6:47 pm
Bobbles, oh snogs of great weaselness in your direction, I truly know your angst.
Minus the friends and boyfriend and social life and trips abroad bit.
Still feel bad?
(If you say yes I may have to shoot myself…)